Neighbors, and other interesting animals.....

Ever wondered what in the world people are thinking.....? or if they are thinking? or if they are people??

Maybe I've been watching too much scifi, but it seems to me that "they" have been behaving rather oddly.

Well, there's the two kids that I can only tell apart because one has a self-inflicted mohawk. They keep cutting through my backyard on their way to further adventures, and knocking on my door to rescue their boots that have gotten repeatedly stuck in the muck that is the larger part of my yard. Did I mention that this is usually at 8 am, or 10 pm? After much nice neighborly boot retrieval, I informed them that I will keep their boots as toll if they lose them here again.

Then there are the other ones who decide to come berry-picking....IN MY YARD !! Little kids, I would understand, but adults?? Come on people!! and there are berries everywhere else....hello.....

Ok, so I'm sitting outside, enjoying a cup of coffee yesterday evening with my hot lawn boy Antonio, when all of a sudden, SMASH!!! the sound of shattering glass and slamming door. I jumped and exclaimed "What the Heck!" or something like that, and Antonio says, "Shhhh it was the neighbor, he can hear you." What the heck, he can hear me, he should hear me, he threw a freakin glass bowl out in the road and smashed it everywhere! Moron!

I should probably mention that this is the same neighbor who smokes fish between our houses when the bears are out...I think he has a death wish. I might fulfill that wish for him, and possibly his wife's wishes too.

Then there are all the busy weekenders with construction projects at 8 in the morning on the weekend. I am tempted to rent a jack hammer for the weekend. Or take up playing the clarinet. Except I would have to get up early....hmmm.

In other news, my old Coastie neighbors that cast dirty looks at everyone who said hi to them, disappeared overnight, with no trace. We didn't even see them go. It was like an alien abduction. strange....

They have been replaced by the parents of the Mo and Nohawk brothers. They actually raised their hands in the earthling ritual greeting, and spoke words of peace. nice.

I think that this side of the street is under human control now, still not sure about the other side though. I am sure that some of them wear baseball caps to cover their antennae. Especially the idiot with the broken glass. He left it out there, so I decided to sweep it back over to his side of the street, conveniently locating it at the end of his driveway.

Maybe I'll bake him a Puschki pie later.....

It just dawned on me that it was full moon, maybe they're not aliens after all, but werewolves.

WOW, What happened???

You ever had one of those deja vu moments...?..I am having one right now....for the 10th day in a row.

Maybe it's the way the weather forces us to its will....I know, I know, I could just defy it, and march outdoors in my summer clothes, and dare it to rain on me!! But I really don't want pneumonia again this year, it's getting old. The whole concept of enjoying oneself outdoors while it is raining eludes me. I have friends who actually claim to do this, but they're filthy liars who will be calling ME to bring THEM chicken soup later, the bastards.

I think the only good outdoor rain activity is sex. Yes, I said it, sex. It also happens to be a great indoor rain activity too.

Seriously, being on a camping trip, tent or camper or boat.....those are the times when being trapped inside because of the rain, etc.... is actually a lot of fun. And....you can always use the excuse of needing to keep warm if the other camper is shy. Hey, hypothermia is serious business, you wouldn't want to unnecessarily lose an appendage would you? Jus sayin.....

I'm thinking about making a burnt sacrifice to the Rain Gods, any suggestions?

Any public officials for this list? Come on, I know you guys are thinking about it......who would you sacrifice for a long term sun overload? There's got to be someone. I can think of someone special right now....no it's not my ex-husband this time, good guess though...but you can't burn trash without a permit. The Aztecs were onto something really good. I bet they didn't have any jails.

Howcome we only get road maintenance/upgrades when freakin' rockets and turbines come through town?

Is it just me, or is this the case? All kinds of money and asphalt flow like manna from heaven when infrastructure becomes necessary for a "project", but when basic maintenance or upgrades to service areas become imperative due to utter disrepair......well....hmmm....I dunno.....we'll see.... Don't take me wrong, I am happy for improvements, but I'm still hitting the same damn potholes every single day. Weird....

oh my god.....the sun just came out!!!

I'm stripping all my clothes off and running outside as we speak.....

Vitamin D here I come!!!!!

Volcanoes, Blizzards and Floods OH MY!!!!

Good God, and I mean that sincerely, what have we done to deserve this? Ok, what haven't we done? Just when I get used to the idea of dealing with all the usual bull that is the normal part of living here in Shangri-la, it's volcano, blizzard, and flood week! And me without a thing to wear! OK God, so just a little warning would have been nice, I could have updated my wardrobe with a Hazmat suit, one of those cool Parkas they wear way up North, and some new hip waders. (the old ones have a hole, which I just found out the hard way). Unless, of course, your warning was the entire book of Revelations, in which case we are so screwed anyways. Pretty funny joke! ha ha hum.....

Have you ever tried to explain to anyone else in America (those other states) that the check is in the mail, but the volcano is causing delays...no??.... you should really try that....the incredulous silence is pretty funny. I like sending photos of Redoubt, Augustine, or any other ash spewing mountains to friends and family down there, with the tag line ......sorry about your birthday this year, but.......

On a more fun note, Fiddler on the Roof opens tonight! It should be a hoot. Lots of great local talent, and a great tech crew. There will be some serious fun going on in the auditorium tonight!

Well, I'm going to have to save my more venomous commentary for later, since I have to go slip into something uncomfortable for my trip outdoors......It looks nasty out there, and the wind has picked up. But never fear, I'm sure I have something bitter and biting to post later, perhaps an after-the-show critique?

Valentines my ass.....or whatever works.

WELL, How many of us have heard the male whine of ......"All Valentines' Day represents is another attempt at commercializing a holiday, so I didn't want to support the globalization of a commercial holiday,or the depletion of the rain forest,blah, blah, blah.... so....I didn't get you anything, but I would like a piece of ass later, during which I will tell you I love you. Did they get a piece of ass....hell no. Were they so surprised, why yes.

You know, truthfully, I would be ok with that save the planet/human race plan.....if the male specimens actually showed this sentiment every day, just as many of them would like to have a meal cooked every day, or their children taken care of daily, or some other needs fulfilled on a daily basis. Then I honestly think most women, (but there are some bitches), would be ok with the revised Valentine plan. However, when you're not feeling the love the rest of the year, the bitterness builds, and all you have is maybe that one day where your beloved pulls his proverbial head out of his ass and makes you feel special. I know it's sad, but would you take away that one day, no matter how superficial it might seem? (Yes I did divorce him)


I think it boils down to men interpreting and expressing their love on a physical level, and women on a mental/emotional. I knew a man once who truly believed that if his dinner was not cooked and on the table, that the love was gone completely. He explained that this was how he knew he was loved. WOW! I thought it was the love letters, walks on the beach, hour long conversations about the future, giving birth to children and nurturing them....but no. It was the frequency of sex, consistency of dinner, and fresh pressed shirts that established his perception of being loved. (Yes I divorced him too)


Then along came the perfect (well almost anyways) man. One who really likes all those things guys like, hot sex, good food, clean clothes, but also confident enough to know that those things are the perks, but do not define a relationship. Maybe not all men have figured out yet that their soul must also be fed, or all women are as interchangeable as a portable pocket vagina. When a man appreciates a woman for all of her caring, nurturing, thoughtfulness, and shows her this, guys, you will get whatever you want. The woman will do anything (maybe not a threesome with her sister, Nick) to please you.


This morning I got up so sick, and my Valentine, brings me coffee and tries to make me feel better. Then the doorbell rings, and it's a flower delivery just for me. You know, as nice as the flowers are, the cup of coffee in bed meant so much more, and I had nothing to give in return. I had been so sick, and couldn't get out. I apologized profusely, said how bad I felt about not having a gift to give. He told me that it doesn't matter because he knows he is loved every single day. This is with no dinner on his horizon, no laundry done, and the prospect of hot sex very, very, distant.

This IS love. Or he's still holding out for hot sex, or both. It shouldn't really require that much to make someone feel cherished. Either way I feel happy, and I know who won't be needing that portable device. Happy V-Day, and pull your heads out before it's too late.

After my near-life experience......

Like a Phoenix, rising from the asses........

Yes, by unpopular vote, I'm back to harass the citizens of our slice (or maybe something more like a scoop or clump) of heaven. Why not, the election is over, everyone is still screwed, and I'm saving up for my mandatory contribution to support the Madoff family minimum- security- long-term accomodations, and the octuplets that a recklessly insane doctor implanted into an equally insane Angelina-Jolie obsessed freak of a welfare mother,
who forgot just one part of the equation; the Brad Pitt-millions-of-dollars-movie-star-with money part, like duhhh.

Only in California folks....freaktown USA.....I've lived there, I know what I am talking about. Or how about the citizens of Cali getting no state tax return, cuz we ain't got no money in the controller's office....duhh. Yet they used millions to get new furniture in their offices. I am sure it makes Californians sleep better just knowing the controllers offices have new cubicles, they sure have helped them work better. I know I will!

My absolute fave is the hearing about the peanut butter.....I believe that they should have forced the CEO of that company to have a nice big bite of that putrid slop that he pronounced fit for human comsumption. (nine dead so far) He couldn't have pleaded the 5th with his mouth full! The best part would have been later on in the hearings, when he started uncontrollably crapping his pants.....mmm you've got your chocolate in my peanut butter!

Also, I'm thinking of not filing taxes this year by claiming that Alaska is a foreign country because America (those other states), doesn't recognize us on their web checkout pages, or shipping pages. Shoot, we're not even on the big 3 networks' weather forecast, we're the Bermuda Triangle of the Arctic. I think we should initiate our own trade tariff, free shipping for more expensive gasoline. Think about it,we keep raising all of their gas prices until they give us the free shipping and handling we deserve. If I get in trouble with IRS, no big deal cuz my old buddy Bama is going to overlook my minor indiscretions and give me a position in his cabinet! I've heard that tax fraud is a major prequalifying factor. How stupid of me, if I'd known all that, I would have started my fraud sooner, now I've got to catch up.

I think I'll buy some cool threads with that money, and have some campaign staffers go shopping for me. I mean really, for all that money, Sarah Palin looked damn good. In retrospect, what a huuuge boost to the economy. In contrast Michelle Obama's Inaugural gown looked like she stole her grandma's old chenille bedspread to wear to a toga party. That was of course after she borrowed grandma's old curtains to wear to the swearing-in. At least she saved the taxpayers by recycling. Bravo! maybe we'll start a whole generation of bedspread and curtain re-purposing, just like the vonTrapp family. The Hill is alive.............

Which brings me ultimately to the most important part of my musing, fashion.
Seriously, if the world economy is going in the shitter, one should definitely look one's best. Hey, all those designer duds are cheap right now, that $295 designer-simulated-crocodile thong with diamond accents is only $12.95, what a bargain! It's made in China, but so is everything. How fitting that I should wear it working off my $3,000,000,000,000.00 to China, since they will own all our fat asses, literally. I'll show you my stimulus package, if you show me yours.

Gosh it's good to be back